Do you have books you’ve been meaning to read but haven’t?

Do you have books you’ve been meaning to read but haven’t?

My eating disorder and anxiety has for a while kept me quite restless, and sitting still reading a book hasn’t been an option.

I would instead listen to podcasts and read short blog posts, to satisfy my thirst for truth and things that were REAL.

But I recently read Glennon Doyle Melton’s “carry on, warrior”.

I’ve watched her tedtalks and read her blog and heard her on podcast. These alone were like a lifeline for me in my addiction recovery.

But actually reading her book, did much more. I am so grateful that I did.

Couple of other books I’ve been meaning to read are

As an introvert, definitely Susan Cain’s “quiet” (so thick!),
And the emotionally sensitive and “want-to-be courageous but cannot” part of me calls for Brene Brown’s books.

Also, after listening to the Big Magic podcast, I also would like to read Liz Gilbert’s books, because I do think creativity can save people both the doer and the receiver.

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Comfort food does not comfort me

How do you relax?

I use food to numb my feelings, and opt out of the pain in life.

But that numbing also makes my life more fake and tiring.

One of my friends asked me one time what I do to relax.

I didn’t have an answer.

Although I have more than enough comfort foods, it doesn’t make me comfortable in the true sense.

And my bingeing has prevented me from enjoying things that may have truly made me relax, like hanging out with friends, reading, and doing yoga.

I am practically incapable of sitting still.

When do you cry?

I often blame my loving mom for things that have nothing to do with her.

Things like feeling socially rejected at school, for how I feel about my appearances, for my anxiety, for my depression, and for my eating disorder.

Recently, I was feeling so frustrated and isolated and pathetic.
But I couldn’t come up with a reason to blame her. (Or the world)

I felt powerless.
And hopeless.

And I felt tears coming down.

Will I ever recover? Or be happy?

I felt like this was not an emotional cry.
It was tears that happened as a result of actually thinking.
And, because this thinking led to the conclusion that there may be no way out.

Alternative to “how am I feeling?”

One question that I have a hard time answering is the “how are you” question.

I feel like the only option is to answer
“I fine”

But “I’m fine” is a total lie.
Other than some rare occasions, I m actually not fine.
I m bloated, I m nervous, I m dejected, I m tired, and I m completely the opposite of being fine.

But all that truth stay within me while I make a smile and say “I m fine”.

Because for someone dealing with addiction, this “how are you?” question brings me back to reality.
It reminds me of my midnight binges, and the discomfort I m feeling now.
It reminds me that I don’t have a life.
Or that I am depressed. Or anxious.
I feel ashamed to say anything other than “I m fine.”

Recently, I found out that I actually ask this question to myself too.

I repeat this “how am I feeling” inside my head.
And my brain gives me either
“I don’t feel good” or “I feel good”.
When I don’t feel good, I binge to numb that.

It’s like a question my brain asks to avoid (possible) pain.

But the thing is that when I ask myself “how am I feeling”, it’s either “good” or “bad”.
I don’t really know what that good or bad actually is.

So I tried to ask myself
“what am I feeling” instead.

Mostly I couldn’t come up with a specific answer.
I realized that my brain is not reliable.

Even when I m feeling “not good”, I couldn’t come up with a specific bad emotion.

This was somewhat soothing for me, as I learned that I actually don’t have anything to be afraid of, or feel bad about.

My brain might just have made a mistake thinking it was bad.

Other times when I ask myself “what am I feeling”, I can come up with stuff like
Tired, sad, thankful, excited.

When I actually identify specific emotions, I feel less scared of my emotions.

While I can start asking myself “what am I feeling” instead of “how am I feeling”,

I m not sure if I can switch to “what are you feeling” to other people.

It just sounds too invasive..

The danger of not belonging to social groups

I have a hard time belonging to a single group.

I always find myself group hopping, as I cannot fully commit to one group.

I think I just stay in the safe place of being a “guest” in any group.

It protects me from dealing with group conflicts, as I just move onto the next group.

I can just stay superficial.

I don’t have to face the real stuff.

Or maybe I m afraid to be fully known by anyone.

It’s a safe place. But it’s too safe.

It’s  like staying in your room forever. You can avoid certain pain, but nothing happens at all.

We can’t selectively avoid. When we do avoid, we are distancing both the pleasure and pain from us.

That’s why I m always left feeling alone and foreign.
There’s seemingly no pain but no true fellowship either.

Why I can’t accept that I have anxiety/depression

I get anxious a lot.

Social anxiety, test anxiety, performance anxiety, and sometime I am extremely anxious, without a concrete reason.

But the trick is that i am NOT ALWAYS anxious.

Sometimes, I feel okay. And I even forget the feeling of being anxious.
But other times it get near panic.

Maybe it’s same with depression.
Because there are times that I am completely not depressed or anxious, it’s very hard to understand and accept that I have anxiety/depression.

I want to overcome binge eating but

I get angry the minute I wake up every morning.
Most days I wake up feeling bloated from my midnight binging,

and the overflow of shame attached to it.

I end up cancelling lunch and dinner plans with friends because of it.

No matter how hard I try, binging at night is something I can’t stop.
No self-control will do.

(I think) this is because food was the only thing that was always there for me.
Or so I think.

Ever since 10, I binged myself to sleep, and eating was the only time I felt “safe”.
The world was always a place of fear, and food was my armor.
But the problem was that I couldn’t stop.

I never developed the emotional competency to withstand any emotions because I used food to numb it all–the good, the bad, and everything in between.

I learned that just because you go through hard life experiences does not automatically make you strong.
That you need to actually proactively deal with it; and I was doing the opposite, by numbing.

I’ve tried to accept myself for who I am, but to be honest, I don’t really know how that feels like.

Was becoming Christian the right choice?

I’ve become a Christian for a year and a half. It was in a foreign country, where I met the kindest and the most genuinely wise Christians……that led to my lordship decision.

Coming home to my country, my faith has been very unstable.
I managed to find a Church to kind of settle in.
But I struggle to fully committing myself to the church.

Among the many many reasons, one of them is that

There is a part of me that fear–full commitment will make me miss out on certain things in life.
My family is not Christian, and they are amazingly kind and loving. Many friends of mine are not religious (without any specific faith) but are kinder and wiser than many Christians that I interact with here.

Sometimes I feel that the regular members at the church are insecure to the point that they are mean to the people who are more capable(better school, better job, higher ability). And only accepts those who are like them in terms of the worldly abilities.

As rude as it sounds, I don’t want my future to look like the people in my church.

I know that I am using a yardstick of the world to measure these, and a Christian value should be nothing but in Christ.

I’ve thought about how I could be faithful but not religious, but i also think it’s just me making excuses not to surrender fully.

I just don’t know.

It doesn’t feel good having a bad aftertaste every week after service.

I want to feel joy in church like when I am praying, meditating on the word, singing his praise, and when I listen to bethel and Hillsong.

 

It’s so hard being an introvert wanting to be social.

Today I met up with a friend that I had not seen for a while.

It was actually my first time this month getting together with anyone besides my family.
This summer had been a time where I took time off from socializing.
I decided to spend quality time with my family and myself, having been so exhausted and burnout the past semester as I tried to be social.

Being an introvert at heart, it was extremely stressful and tiring being social the past semester.
Being with a big group of people really takes a toll on me, but I committed myself to put myself out there, because I wanted friends, and I knew that I had to change for it to happen.

Although I did find a group of people I felt comfortable with, I got socially (and academically) burnout–mentally and physically.

The problem was that I didn’t have a satisfying relationship with myself; I couldn’t accept myself unconditionally.
So,

I felt that being social was another way I measured my worth.
My self esteem depended on how many times I was going out, or how much time I was spending time with other people.
It got to the point where I got so restless and anxious when I felt other people were more social on social media..
FOMO??

This happened today too, but in real life.

I was with this friend, who kept talking about her “this friend” and her “that friend”.

I know that I shouldn’t get affected by it, and that she is just a genuine person enjoying time with her friends, genuinely sharing it with me.

But I think I got jealous.
Especially because I was taking a break from people, trying to focus on myself.
I was not social. At all. And the truth hurts me when I see someone with many friends.

I know that this is just a neutral circumstance and that I have control of how react.
But emotions are just emotions.
When you feel yuck, it just feels bad.

I was aware of my urge to binge to numb this feeling.
But instead, i m writing this post.

I m grateful for this blog because I can write about my feelings here instead of bottling it all in.

And it would also be nice to hear any advices on what I should do to feel better or at least become a better person.

Day 3: 30 day Meditation challenge

Day 3:

I woke up thinking and feeling hell.
But it’s amazing how I could transition into thinking that “this is a new day”.
I did a Lovingkindness mediation.
Though my mind was not focusing, it did calm me down a bit.

I listened to “Touch the sky” by Hillsong, and it just gave me this wonderful and beautiful feeling (so hard to articulate).
Before, I didn’t know there were such feelings like beautiful and inspiring.

Like always I went to a cafe. I was working on some things my friend asked me to help her with.
Doing things for others actually helps me a lot to focus less on myself and not overthink.

I was still thinking about food most of the time, and didn’t meditate because I wasn’t willing to face the reality of emptiness and raw discomfort.

Woke up several times to eat myself to sleep.

I think i caught a cold and a fever.
It’s never fun being physically sick, but I always forget how hard it is.
That’s why I tend to think “i would rather have a lifetime cold than depression, anxiety, and eating disorder” (which i struggle daily.)

But actually having a cold reminds me how it’s equally hard to be sick whether it is physically or mentally.
Or is it that i got used to mental craziness :??