Self-esteem challenge: stop hiding

Self-esteem challenge: notebook faced up

I m a recovering insecure and self conscious person. As much as I hate labels, it’s true that you cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.
Admittedly, I had a pathologically low self esteem, that manifested itself in many different ways, that was sometimes a bit bizarre.

One sort of strange habit I thus had was putting everything faced down.
Being a fervent student and frantic about academics (which can be this topic of a whole another post), I spend a lot of time in a classroom setting.
What I mean when I say classroom setting is sitting in a room full of peers, with your notebook and pen ready to take notes.
Something as simple as this can even show how self-conscious I was.

Every time i get my notebooks out, I would face it down, with the front cover down.
Why?
Because the front cover of a random notebook contained enough personal information about me to hide.
Things like my name and my handwriting.
I remember being so ashamed of my name that was on the front cover.
This was real.

And as time went on, this became automatic, and I realized that I did this even when I was at a cafe journaling or reading a book. My self-consciousness never failed to make sure that the front cover of my book or notebooks would never show.

Although this seems like a trivial habit, it further pushed my self-consciousness and the tendency to hide myself.

But the truth is, there is nothing to hide.
I had to tell myself that it is okay to be known.
Now, I make a conscious choice to show.
To show my beautiful moleskin front cover at cafes, to rid the book covers on trains, ( in Japan when you buy books, they offer you paper book covers that allows you to conceal the title of the book).

What you do unconsciously affects your psyche. And this I think is a step forward for more confidence in who you are.
We don’t need to hide ourselves.

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