Every time after I interact with people for a long time, I have this social hangover.
This can be after lunch with a friend, or a huge dinner party with a big crowd.
Size doesn’t really matter, though it may affect the intensity of it.
After hanging out, I would find myself bingeing to numb “the feelings”.
And it typically goes that I become depressed and socially withdrawn for a day or two.
Until recently, I wasn’t sure what “the feeling” was.
But now, I think it’s “feeling unworthy.”
Having a low self esteem, I never saw myself the way my loving parents saw me.
I couldn’t feel worthy.
But there was also a gap between how I wanted to be seen socially, and how I was in reality.
I wanted to feel worthy in my interaction with others.
I wanted people to treat me like I am worthy.
But I never got that. Especially at school from peers.
In elementary school, I sat by myself in the cafeteria.
In middle school, I ate my lunch in the bathroom.
I was the one without a date in high school.
All of this communicated to me the opposite of what my parents were telling me.
And my eating disorder was always there to pat me on the back, telling me “you are worthy because you are the thinnest”, when I was insecure.
Now, I am recovering, and trying to separate from my eating disorder.
So I can’t rely on it to give me worth.
But I can do that.
I can give myself worth.
I can pat myself on the back when i feel insecure.
People cannot give you what they don’t have. And maybe not everyone has worth.
But I can give myself worth.
Because we are worthy for who we are, not what we do, not our looks, not anything else.