Really? You are the average of your 5 closest friends?

People often say
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

But what if you don’t have friends?

What if your friends are bad influence?

What if you don’t have friends who you aspire to? (Yet)

If this quote was true,

it would well be the case that,

for someone seeking self-improvement,

their friends are more or less like them.

If there is a “before and after” for self-improvement,

Their friends are the “before” and not the “after.”

For those of us nodding,

I would change this quote into

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time consuming.”

Have a long distance mentor over the media.

That writer/athlete/ media personnel/ podcast host you respect?

You can be their internet friend.

Surround yourself with good media, good podcast, and encouraging people.

Not trash magazines that constantly bring you down.

Not those Instagram account whose owner you may not recognize when you see them across the street:

Not stupid reality tv shows that are not reality.

Choose what we consume.

And who we follow..

(Note to self)



Why I can’t let go of my mental illness

I struggle with an eating disorder.

But it’s also actually all of the other mental illness mashed up together.

Emotionally, I deal with anxiety and depression daily.

Behaviorally, I am a food addict.

Cognitively, there is a monster in my head constantly telling me lies that I let define my day.

I am obsessive compulsive about what I ate, what to eat, and everything in between.

Socially, I am awkward and anxious all the time, because social events almost always involve food.

I am also very ADHD. I am practically incapable of sitting still.

As silly as it may sound, these things serve as my armor.

I live every day running away from something.

On the surface, it looks like I am running away from binging and pain and hurt and rejection.

But I think it’s myself that I am actually running away from.

That’s why when I don’t have all of these symptoms, i m scared.

Extremely frightened to face myself. And

To let go of the demon.

how to live in a cloud

You live in a cloud. Give 3 tips for how not to fall off. (Prompt from 642 tiny things to write about)

1. Know that you absolutely belong here in the clouds. It’s a place for all- everyone.
2. Act like you are floating in the clouds, even if you feel like you are falling.
3. Hold the hand of the person next to you. Even if you are germaphobic. And even if they give you a nasty look.

You are now set to live in the clouds, where all things imaginary happen.

A letter exchange between apple and strawberry

Apple to strawberry

Hi strawberry,

I m writing this letter to tell you that I’ve always dreamed to be like you.
It’s my greatest fantasy to be a small berry–like you, blueberry, and raspberry.

First off, you guys have friends with you all the time. I mean you’re always sold in “sets”.
I always wonder what fun conversation you guys have when you sit together tightly in a grocery store.

Must be nice to have so many friends.
On the contrary, I m always alone. Me and my friends oranges are always sold alone.

And it must so nice to be that petit.
You are delicate, so people take good care of you and treat you nicely. They put you on fancy cakes.
You know what we get? We get cut. Because we re apparently “too big.”

We’re also cheap and too ordinary.
You guys are expensive, you’re just worth more.

When people hear our names, they are like “it’s apples and oranges again. How boring.”

When people hear strawberry, they get excited. Their eyes brighten.

This is not just because we’re too big.
You hear this even when we’re made into juice.
Tell them “apple juice and orange juice” and no one cares.
Tell them “strawberry juice” and you see people looking up from their phones.

Damn, life must be so good being a berry.
I want to be small.
You’re everyone’s idol.



Strawberry to apple:

Hi apple!
OMG it’s so nice to hear from you!! You know, I’ve always admired you!!!
I mean YOU are my idol!!!!

Our lives as berries, actually isn’t as good as you imagine.

Yes, because we’re always sold in sets, so we do have many “friends”.
But we’re totally dependent on each other.
We can never go anywhere alone.
Have you ever seen us sold as a single strawberry? No.
Even if we are more expensive together, we are worth nothing alone.
We can’t even be sold.
We never grow to be independent. How sad.

You have so much presence alone. You don’t need your friends all the time.

You don’t need your “cliques” all the time like an insecure teenager.

You’re so secure.

And yes, we are fancy.
And we may cost more but what’s the point of being more expensive when no one buys you?
In many parts of the world, we berries are too expensive.
So people take few glances at us and than it’s you apples and oranges that they end up buying.
Being admired and loved (bought and eaten) are totally different things.
When you are just admired, that’s the loneliest thing on earth.

People love you, so they make a lot of you.
They even make you into juice because YOU GUYS SELL.

Life as berries are not rainbows and butterflies.
But what can you do?
We just try to be positive.


We get cut into pieces too, sometimes.
Especially when we get on top of fancy cakes.
I know. I can’t believe it either.
Like we’re not small enough for fancy cakes. We re never small enough for them. So dumb. Those fancy cakes, so not worth it.
Humans. Sigh.

We fear how great we are

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”
–marianne williamson

I never understood this quote.
Until recently.

I feel this quote in these situations.
1. When I don’t binge

When I am not controlled by food and food-related anxieties, I realize that I have so much time and energy.
That I am so much more “available” to the present.
This is also when I realized how much time and energy and possibility I have wasted by running away from life with food.
I realize how much I would be capable of, if I wasn’t lost to eating disorder.

2. When I don’t runaway from social situations

I am generally very awkward around a group of people.
And often, I avoid social situations or leave in the middle of events.
But in those rare times I persisted until the end, it is often the case that I am able to have better fellowship with the people there.
This is when it dawns on me how much I probably missed out on.
But also how much I would have been capable of socializing.
I see a glimpse of how much potential i may have, that scares the world out of me.
Because in my mind, i subconsciously thought that I am bad at socializing, period.
So when this appears to not be true, I realized how much potential I wasted.

3. When I am happy (or not depressed)

In those moments when I am not feeling down, I see how much I am able to accomplish–academically, socially, and everything in between.

And this just scares me.

It’s not that I am not scared of my inadequacy. I am, to a great degree.
But it’s probably not that simple.
I am also frightened how much possibility there is. And how much of that I am wasting every day.

Give and take and take and take

I’ve always enjoyed reading books and listening to talks that are research heavy.

And for this reason, Adam Grant is one of my favorite psychologists to listen to/read from.

One of his books is called “Give and Take” and it talks about givers, takers, and matchers.

I think of myself as a matcher, but in reality, I am a taker.

This is because I constantly think about how much I can get.
Even if I am “giving” i am still thinking about how this will benefit me in the future.

I really do have a problem with “giving and no receiving”.

I am very scared of being used, taken advantaged of, and thought less of.

I feel that this is indeed because I am selfish to the core.
But at the same time, it also does come from my past.

I’ve always struggled with interpersonal relationships, and taking control in these situations. So I often find myself being left out and being used.

These experience has made me sensitive to feeling inferior when I think I am only giving.

So this I believe makes it hard for me to really think about others without thinking about what benefit would do to myself.

But somewhere deep down, I also think that being able to give itself is a blessing and that’s the greatest benefit I get from doing it.

As confusing as it may sound…

I have trouble sharing friends

Over the break, I was hanging out with my friends.

And I mean some of my really good friends.

As someone who has a hard time being an essential member of a single group, I have good friends in different “cliques” or “groups” if you will.

And they don’t know each other.

This winter, I realized how hesitant I was about all of us hanging out together.

I don’t have any problem introducing them to one another. But I don’t want to be there when we all hang out.

I think this is because I am so sensitive about being included/excluded.

If I feel that they are getting along better..
I am scared that they would become better friends and I will be unneeded.

This fear partially comes my past experiences with my sister.
Whenever I brought my friends home, they end up becoming closer with my sister.

I felt lesser than and it communicated to me that I am unworthy to be with.

Now, I am still very insecure when hanging out in groups.

I can’t really enjoy the moment with them because I am constantly afraid of being left out.