I’ve always enjoyed reading books and listening to talks that are research heavy.
And for this reason, Adam Grant is one of my favorite psychologists to listen to/read from.
One of his books is called “Give and Take” and it talks about givers, takers, and matchers.
I think of myself as a matcher, but in reality, I am a taker.
This is because I constantly think about how much I can get.
Even if I am “giving” i am still thinking about how this will benefit me in the future.
I really do have a problem with “giving and no receiving”.
I am very scared of being used, taken advantaged of, and thought less of.
I feel that this is indeed because I am selfish to the core.
But at the same time, it also does come from my past.
I’ve always struggled with interpersonal relationships, and taking control in these situations. So I often find myself being left out and being used.
These experience has made me sensitive to feeling inferior when I think I am only giving.
So this I believe makes it hard for me to really think about others without thinking about what benefit would do to myself.
But somewhere deep down, I also think that being able to give itself is a blessing and that’s the greatest benefit I get from doing it.
As confusing as it may sound…