Give and take and take and take

I’ve always enjoyed reading books and listening to talks that are research heavy.

And for this reason, Adam Grant is one of my favorite psychologists to listen to/read from.

One of his books is called “Give and Take” and it talks about givers, takers, and matchers.

I think of myself as a matcher, but in reality, I am a taker.

This is because I constantly think about how much I can get.
Even if I am “giving” i am still thinking about how this will benefit me in the future.

I really do have a problem with “giving and no receiving”.

I am very scared of being used, taken advantaged of, and thought less of.

I feel that this is indeed because I am selfish to the core.
But at the same time, it also does come from my past.

I’ve always struggled with interpersonal relationships, and taking control in these situations. So I often find myself being left out and being used.

These experience has made me sensitive to feeling inferior when I think I am only giving.

So this I believe makes it hard for me to really think about others without thinking about what benefit would do to myself.

But somewhere deep down, I also think that being able to give itself is a blessing and that’s the greatest benefit I get from doing it.

As confusing as it may sound…

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