I’ve always been “the other one”.
That no one pays attention to.
When I m traveling with my friend, everyone “we” talk to, only talks to “her.”
They never look at my eyes when talking.
Even when I am the one buying, the shop clerk talks to her and don’t even give me a glance.
This used to make me feel not enough.
And less than.
It would make me want to people-please to the point I became unaware of what I wanted.
But it’s not true.
The reason why I feel uncomfortable is because I am worthy
so I deserve to be treated right.
Some things I can do is to be more engaging.
But if that doesn’t work, it doesn’t matter.
Because I am worthy.
And sometimes other people are just other people.
The important thing is that I do the work.
Even if nothing changes, if I can be a little more engaging than yesterday,
than that’s progress.
small steps goes a long way.
Not asking about the DSM diagnosis but more from personal experience.
For me, I often feel low, I often feel down.
But these are completely different from feeling depressed.
I may (mis)use the word “I feel depressed” for all of my low moods, but depression
for me is a totally different thing.
It’s not on a spectrum like stress is like for me.
When I am depressed, I have this “end of the world” feeling that my words just cannot describe sufficiently.
For me, it’s not exactly suicidal thoughts.
I notice this peculiar feeling of depression when i am not depressed.
That depression is more than the verbal descriptions I see on the diagnostic criteria.
Maybe this is because it has a lot to do with my spiritual health and things like hope.
…Because I had to wake up…
…Because I am capable of waking up…
Why did I have to get hurt?
Why do I have to struggle with depression?
And eating disorder?
And food addiction?
And low self esteem?
Why did I have to get bullied?
Why did that abuse have to happen to me?
What did I have to get rejected and trashed?
Why do I have to go through living hell?
Because I had to wake up.
Because I am capable of waking up.
Because I can wake up and help other people who are still hurt.
Treating my parents badly
I m not really nice to my nice parents, most of the time.
It’s not because I don’t like them or what they do or what they say or what they believe.
I love them.
It’s because of my own emotional baggage and addictions and anxieties and anger and depression and low self esteem.
They are who I trust.
So I take it out on them.
And I just know that someday, I will deeply regret how I am treating them.
And yet I cannot change myself.
When you are depressed, its really hard to imagine how a not-depressed life is.
To imagine how it feels like not to wake up every day wishing the world will end.
As much as I want to get out of this darkness, I didnt really know what it feels like to be in the light.
I has an idea of how it might feel like.
I had past memories of those times.
But when you have been depressed for just so long, you just forget how a normal life is.
I was so fixated on getting out of this depression, that it became all I thought about.
I didnt think about that good life.
I only thought about depression and how to get rid of it.
Joy, peace, light was not even present in my imaginary life.
1. By doing something they should not have done.
2. By not doing something they should have done.
Is it good to have positive or negative expectations?
When I have positive expectations, I almost always find myself disappointed with the result.
But when I have negative expectations, I waste so much of my time worrying.
So which one is it better to have?
One way to think about it:
The 2 scenarios of having nagative expectations…
1. Negative expectations-> positive results
2. Negative expectations ->negative results
negative=3, positive= 1
The 2 scenarios of having Positive expectations…
1. Positive expectations -> positive results
2. Positive expectations -> negative results
negative=1, positive= 3 (winner!!..?)
(From a book called “+1cm”)