What is an idol?

“Someone you make better than yourself, who is your source of happiness.”

In other words,

“Your happiness depends on that person.”

And leaves us feeling

“Incomplete without that person.”

(Gabrielle Bernstein’s “Spirit Junkie”)

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Not Anymore

My eating disorder used to pat me on the back when I was insecure, walking into a room.

When I was feeling “lesser than” other girls.

By restricting, ED reminded me that I am better than them because I was thin.

But he didn’t really help me inwardly.

I was even more insecure and empty inside.

And I don’t need ED to pat me on the back anymore.
I can.

The one thing I am proud of–even if I am an addict

My willingness to heal. 

When you struggle with addiction, its very hard to be proud of yourself.

I break promises.

I lie, big and small.

I wake up every morning thinking I will never do it again,

only to find myself doing it again couple of hours later.

I say mean things.

I hurt other people.

In my heart I really want to be kind.

I want to genuinely connect with others.

But I just cant. Because its no longer a matter of willpower.

This leaves me hating and bullying and shaming myself every second I am awake.

BUT.

Despite all of my defects, I do have one thing I am proud of.

I am always willing to get better, recover, and heal.

I make mistakes and dont follow through most of the times, still.

I even fail to try.

But one thing never fades: my willingness to recover and heal.

Thats why I journal. Thats why I blog. Thats why I listen to recovery resources. Thats why I read books for recovery.

Thats why I pray to God.

Thats why I woke up today.

Thats what bring me to this moment.

And I can say with all of my heart that I am proud of myself for this willingness.

 

The better reason of my anxiety

There are times that I feel anxiety with no reason.
I just feel nervous and panicky.

And I automatically thought that anxiety=wrong and bad and scary.

In my head it went like
“I am anxious because this is so scary”

“I am anxious because I am weak and defected.”

“I am anxious so I should quit.”

But this is not true.

“I am anxious because I am fighting against my inner demon.”

“I am anxious because I am doing the next right thing.”

“I am anxious so I should do it.”