Not Anymore

My eating disorder used to pat me on the back when I was insecure, walking into a room.

When I was feeling “lesser than” other girls.

By restricting, ED reminded me that I am better than them because I was thin.

But he didn’t really help me inwardly.

I was even more insecure and empty inside.

And I don’t need ED to pat me on the back anymore.
I can.

The one thing I am proud of–even if I am an addict

My willingness to heal. 

When you struggle with addiction, its very hard to be proud of yourself.

I break promises.

I lie, big and small.

I wake up every morning thinking I will never do it again,

only to find myself doing it again couple of hours later.

I say mean things.

I hurt other people.

In my heart I really want to be kind.

I want to genuinely connect with others.

But I just cant. Because its no longer a matter of willpower.

This leaves me hating and bullying and shaming myself every second I am awake.


Despite all of my defects, I do have one thing I am proud of.

I am always willing to get better, recover, and heal.

I make mistakes and dont follow through most of the times, still.

I even fail to try.

But one thing never fades: my willingness to recover and heal.

Thats why I journal. Thats why I blog. Thats why I listen to recovery resources. Thats why I read books for recovery.

Thats why I pray to God.

Thats why I woke up today.

Thats what bring me to this moment.

And I can say with all of my heart that I am proud of myself for this willingness.


The better reason of my anxiety

There are times that I feel anxiety with no reason.
I just feel nervous and panicky.

And I automatically thought that anxiety=wrong and bad and scary.

In my head it went like
“I am anxious because this is so scary”

“I am anxious because I am weak and defected.”

“I am anxious so I should quit.”

But this is not true.

“I am anxious because I am fighting against my inner demon.”

“I am anxious because I am doing the next right thing.”

“I am anxious so I should do it.”