My willingness to heal.
When you struggle with addiction, its very hard to be proud of yourself.
I break promises.
I lie, big and small.
I wake up every morning thinking I will never do it again,
only to find myself doing it again couple of hours later.
I say mean things.
I hurt other people.
In my heart I really want to be kind.
I want to genuinely connect with others.
But I just cant. Because its no longer a matter of willpower.
This leaves me hating and bullying and shaming myself every second I am awake.
Despite all of my defects, I do have one thing I am proud of.
I am always willing to get better, recover, and heal.
I make mistakes and dont follow through most of the times, still.
I even fail to try.
But one thing never fades: my willingness to recover and heal.
Thats why I journal. Thats why I blog. Thats why I listen to recovery resources. Thats why I read books for recovery.
Thats why I pray to God.
Thats why I woke up today.
Thats what bring me to this moment.
And I can say with all of my heart that I am proud of myself for this willingness.