A lie about loneliness

I am not scared of being lonely “now.”

I am scared of being lonely “forever.”

I mistakenly interpreted that “lonely now” means “lonely forever.”

But this is a lie.

I have had my not lonely times.

Loneliness like emotional discomfort, will pass eventually.

So if I just let it pass, let that loneliness pass, I will be okay.

When I am lonely, I feel very scared and miserable.

I’ve always thought, this was just because we need people in our lives.

But recently, I have come to realize that I am miserable and scared not because of now.

I am scared that I will be lonely forever.

This is what terrifies me.

My definition:

Lonely = no one wants me = I am worthless

I am completely fine being alone the day before or after meeting up with friends.

Because these times, I know that I am not “not wanted.”

So even if I feel “not wanted”, I know that it is just a lie that will pass if I don’t linger on it.

 

 

 

 

 

Parental love and my mental illness

My parents are emotionally stable and loving people.

So I always had a hard time understanding why I struggle with mental illness,

because professionals tend to say that there is at least some parental effects,

That has to do with things like not feeling loved enough.

Marie Forleo’s podcast with Tony Robbins really helped me to see a side of this in me.

Q. Whose love did I crave the most growing I own? Mom or dad

A: dad

Q: What did I need to be for my dad?

A: put together, organized, simple, sporty, able to sit still, patient, all-around, not fat, not binge, don’t obsess about food, calm

Basically, I needed to be a simple, small, and not have any problems with anything girl.

These were required to be precious.

By default I wasn’t.

Q: What is something I could not be?

A: sad, mad, moody, watch tv and eat chips, don’t exercise, emotional, dramatic, shy, binge, fat, complicated

I was not allowed to be complicated and big and emotional.

But I am all of this.

So I believe that I am not precious.

I can see that my dad and mom loved me whatsoever, but this is what I believed.