“So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior. “(Pema Chödrön )
I was depressed and cried throughout the night yesterday.
Yet I am still a warrior.
Yesterday, I could not sleep.
Whenever I tried to close my eyes, self-hatred rushed in.
I usually binge With food or YouTube, to have some unsatisfying sleep.
These numb me to sleep.
But I wanted to not use numbing this time.
So I tried to fall asleep.
But I couldn’t.
These thoughts came me.
“I am alone.”
“I am unlovable.”
“I am unworthy.”
I just sat through all these lies.
I didn’t numb it with food.
I just woke up.
And now I feel exhausted.
But yesterday’s hot feelings temporarily passed.
I am learning, really learning to sit through my loneliness and despair.