You have a body perfect for your mission

Whatever body type, whatever height, whatever weight, whatever hair color, whatever leg shape, whatever beautiful eyes we have.

We are made this way
to fulfill our life’s mission
that only we can do.

When you are privately with yourself, what about your body do you love and cherish the most?

Dark hair?

Smooth skin tone?

Sweet smile?

That is what we should focus on.

 

(Insprired by Dr. Demartini)

Public speaking: Why we don’t feel nervous in front of 5 year olds but panic in front of 25 year olds..

Because we think that the 25 year old have something we don’t have.

That something, makes us feel inferior.

It can be…intelligence, social grace, assertiveness, attractiveness, looks, humor, height, intimidation, intellect, vitality, etc.

But…

We only think in this way this because we have not yet seen the strengths in ourselves.

What do we have that they may not have?

Is it the smile, the softness, the kindness, the perceptiveness, the hard work, the dedication?

If you can’t find it, keep looking.

There is always something in us.

When we are constantly in contact we that part of ourselves,
And focus on that part,
We can be confident.

Even in front of that intimidating person.

Because no one is perfect.

We are just the best in our best parts.

Some are just more obvious than others.

Being obvious does not mean it is more important.

It just means it’s pretty conventional.

(Inspired by Dr. Demartini)

Having realistic expectations

Means that we accept that there will always be those who like us and those who hate us.

Yes, likers are good to have, and
hater can be discouraging.

But.

Sometimes,
Haters help you to better yourself
And

Likers drown you by keeping you in the status quo.

The idea:
Everyone has a role in our lives.
And
It is up to us to use it to our advantage.

I can be best friends with anyone

..if we met in a different context.

I used to believe that I only become friends with people,
because of who they are.

But this may not be the whole story.

I truly believe that where and how I meet the person truly affects my relationship with her/him.

Because it affects who I am.

Circumstances that increase my probability of becoming someone’s BFF:

-we meet one on one

-we meet overseas

-we do not meet in groups all the time

-we meet in a new environment

-we do not have (complicated) acquaintances

The common denominator of these situations:

I am not enslaved to my “roles”–good girl, good listener, nice girl, quiet girl, shy girl, put together girl, awkward girl, smart girl who doesn’t give a damn

Circumstances that decrease of probability of becoming someone’s BFF:

-we meet at work

-we meet in groups

-we have a mutual friend who I feel ambivalent about

Because I am limited to my “roles” in these circumstances.

These “roles” are only my safe representatives, not my true wholesome self.

Thus, I can befriend people better when:

I can be myself–a girl who can be angry, anxious, complicated, confident, outspoken, sensitive, awkward, confused, who give a damn.

When I am this better Truer version of myself,

I can for the first time see others for who they really are.

Then, for the first time, I can know them.

When I truly know them, I can love anyone.

And if you love someone, you are probably their BFF.

 

Journey of the warrior

“So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior. “(Pema Chödrön )

I was depressed and cried throughout the night yesterday.

Yet I am still a warrior.

Yesterday, I could not sleep.

Whenever I tried to close my eyes, self-hatred rushed in.

I usually binge With food or YouTube, to have some unsatisfying sleep.

These numb me to sleep.

But I wanted to not use numbing this time.

So I tried to fall asleep.

But I couldn’t.

Tears fell.

These thoughts came me.

“I am alone.”

“I am unlovable.”

“I am unworthy.”

I just sat through all these lies.

I didn’t numb it with food.

I just woke up.

And now I feel exhausted.

But yesterday’s hot feelings temporarily passed.

I am learning, really learning to sit through my loneliness and despair.

 

Differentiating voices

Negative Voice : you are not acceptable and attractive because your eyes are not big enough, and your body is not small enough.

Me: I can be beautiful by smiling, having my posture straight, and speaking louder.
Smiling is a bliss.

Negative Voice : but you will struggle with your eyes and feel depressed looking at your picture forever.

Me : forever? Hmm looking at my recent pictures, I see myself smiling and happy.

Before when I was in my anorexia, I did smile in the beginning, but that smile did not last.

That smile came from the validation of others, my numbness to problems, and obsession with thinness.

These never filled me in the end.

I felt equally miserable, lost, and needy.

Now, I can give myself a pat on the back when I feel down.

I can congratulate myself for my hard work.

And I can accept myself even if thing unfold in an unexpected way.

My smile now is everlasting, I am smiling from my heart. I have control of my smile. Not other people.

Pretty vs. Beautiful

People who want to be pretty:
Care about how we look like               People who want to be beautiful:
Care about what we look at

Beautiful means full of beauty.
feeling filled with beauty.
When we look at our true selves, our loved ones, God, and nature,
There it is. beauty.

When we take these in, we can be full of beauty, beautiful,
Without having to put on paints and paints of make up.

When we are truly beautiful, we glow.
And our beauty overflows to others, making them beautiful too.

Truly beautiful people make others beautiful, and they do not make others desperate like photoshopped models.

(Inspired by Love Warrior by Glennon Dolyle Melton)

A lie about loneliness

I am not scared of being lonely “now.”

I am scared of being lonely “forever.”

I mistakenly interpreted that “lonely now” means “lonely forever.”

But this is a lie.

I have had my not lonely times.

Loneliness like emotional discomfort, will pass eventually.

So if I just let it pass, let that loneliness pass, I will be okay.

When I am lonely, I feel very scared and miserable.

I’ve always thought, this was just because we need people in our lives.

But recently, I have come to realize that I am miserable and scared not because of now.

I am scared that I will be lonely forever.

This is what terrifies me.

My definition:

Lonely = no one wants me = I am worthless

I am completely fine being alone the day before or after meeting up with friends.

Because these times, I know that I am not “not wanted.”

So even if I feel “not wanted”, I know that it is just a lie that will pass if I don’t linger on it.

 

 

 

 

 

Parental love and my mental illness

My parents are emotionally stable and loving people.

So I always had a hard time understanding why I struggle with mental illness,

because professionals tend to say that there is at least some parental effects,

That has to do with things like not feeling loved enough.

Marie Forleo’s podcast with Tony Robbins really helped me to see a side of this in me.

Q. Whose love did I crave the most growing I own? Mom or dad

A: dad

Q: What did I need to be for my dad?

A: put together, organized, simple, sporty, able to sit still, patient, all-around, not fat, not binge, don’t obsess about food, calm

Basically, I needed to be a simple, small, and not have any problems with anything girl.

These were required to be precious.

By default I wasn’t.

Q: What is something I could not be?

A: sad, mad, moody, watch tv and eat chips, don’t exercise, emotional, dramatic, shy, binge, fat, complicated

I was not allowed to be complicated and big and emotional.

But I am all of this.

So I believe that I am not precious.

I can see that my dad and mom loved me whatsoever, but this is what I believed.

 

3 characteristics of all individuals

All individuals are..

1. Like “no other” individuals

(e.g. Genetic endowment, non-shared experiences)

2. Like “some other” individuals

(e.g. ethnicity, race, SES, age, gender, sexuality, religion, etc)

3. Like “all other” individuals

(e.g. Homo sapiens)