Knowing it vs. knowing about it

Steps of understanding:

1. Learning (knowing about IT)
2. Internalizing (knowing IT)
3. Teaching

There is a difference between
knowing about it And knowing it.

Only when you have really internalized it and believe it, can you model it.

Those who teach without fully believing it, cannot transmit it truly.

Modeling is much more powerful than explanation or instruction.

It applies to God and Jesus and faith too.

Empty words will always fade without existing. Because it’s empty.

 

One thing that has changed

I feel empty everyday.
Especially after human interactions, I feel more empty and thirsty.

Admittedly, I want true acceptance and approval from others, and when I don’t get them, my heart sinks.

Yet I am scared to express my true self.

And you can’t get real acceptance when you don’t show up as your true self.

I used to blame myself for wanting acceptance and validations from others.
Because I was told that I had to get it from god and myself.

But recently, I think there is another reason for my emptiness.
It is not just wanting approval from others.

I WANT TO BE KNOWN.
TO BE KNOWN FOR WHO I TRULY AM.

And when I cannot express myself truly, I feel thirst for wanting to be known–not only the good parts, but my whole true messy self.

That emptiness tells me that this is important to me.

And I think this is a progress.

 

Why I am who I am

In one of the talks by Malcolm Gladwell, he mentioned how successful dyslexics had this one thing in common.
That they had one grandparent who refused to believe that the child was dyslexic, and supported the child with high expectations.

No matter how hard it was, I have always had people who believed that I can do better, than I believed myself.

—My boss who always sees and brings out the good side of me that are usually buried under my anxiety.

—Friends who always accepts me for all that I am.

—Kind teachers who believed in my potential even when I was struggling emotionally and socially.
(I have had few good teachers and dozens of bad ones)

—And my parents and sister who loves and believes in me when I barely had any hope.

I am so thankful for these people who are willing to know me for who I really am, before I can do that.

I am here not because of what I can make of myself, but because people have made me so.

OLD pictures

Today I was looking at an old photo album.

I usually don’t look at my childhood photos because it was so painful.

However,

I do remember having a magical childhood from age 8 to 10.

I was happy.

So I looked at my 8 year old photos to remind myself what a genuine smile was.

And yes I did see the old me smiling.

But there was something else.

Every single photo, my hands were weird.

My hands looked tense.

They looked restless.

They seemed to be tingling.

Even when I was a happy kid, I was bound to feel anxious.

I wish any adults could have lend a hand.

But instead, the response I can remember of an adult is..

When I was 11 and struggling in school, a teacher brutally told me to stop playing with my fingers.

Now I know.

That I wasn’t playing with my finger, it was just my coping mechanism to the anxieties I had not idea what to do with.

 

 

 

You have a body perfect for your mission

Whatever body type, whatever height, whatever weight, whatever hair color, whatever leg shape, whatever beautiful eyes we have.

We are made this way
to fulfill our life’s mission
that only we can do.

When you are privately with yourself, what about your body do you love and cherish the most?

Dark hair?

Smooth skin tone?

Sweet smile?

That is what we should focus on.

 

(Insprired by Dr. Demartini)

Public speaking: Why we don’t feel nervous in front of 5 year olds but panic in front of 25 year olds..

Because we think that the 25 year old have something we don’t have.

That something, makes us feel inferior.

It can be…intelligence, social grace, assertiveness, attractiveness, looks, humor, height, intimidation, intellect, vitality, etc.

But…

We only think in this way this because we have not yet seen the strengths in ourselves.

What do we have that they may not have?

Is it the smile, the softness, the kindness, the perceptiveness, the hard work, the dedication?

If you can’t find it, keep looking.

There is always something in us.

When we are constantly in contact we that part of ourselves,
And focus on that part,
We can be confident.

Even in front of that intimidating person.

Because no one is perfect.

We are just the best in our best parts.

Some are just more obvious than others.

Being obvious does not mean it is more important.

It just means it’s pretty conventional.

(Inspired by Dr. Demartini)

Having realistic expectations

Means that we accept that there will always be those who like us and those who hate us.

Yes, likers are good to have, and
hater can be discouraging.

But.

Sometimes,
Haters help you to better yourself
And

Likers drown you by keeping you in the status quo.

The idea:
Everyone has a role in our lives.
And
It is up to us to use it to our advantage.

I can be best friends with anyone

..if we met in a different context.

I used to believe that I only become friends with people,
because of who they are.

But this may not be the whole story.

I truly believe that where and how I meet the person truly affects my relationship with her/him.

Because it affects who I am.

Circumstances that increase my probability of becoming someone’s BFF:

-we meet one on one

-we meet overseas

-we do not meet in groups all the time

-we meet in a new environment

-we do not have (complicated) acquaintances

The common denominator of these situations:

I am not enslaved to my “roles”–good girl, good listener, nice girl, quiet girl, shy girl, put together girl, awkward girl, smart girl who doesn’t give a damn

Circumstances that decrease of probability of becoming someone’s BFF:

-we meet at work

-we meet in groups

-we have a mutual friend who I feel ambivalent about

Because I am limited to my “roles” in these circumstances.

These “roles” are only my safe representatives, not my true wholesome self.

Thus, I can befriend people better when:

I can be myself–a girl who can be angry, anxious, complicated, confident, outspoken, sensitive, awkward, confused, who give a damn.

When I am this better Truer version of myself,

I can for the first time see others for who they really are.

Then, for the first time, I can know them.

When I truly know them, I can love anyone.

And if you love someone, you are probably their BFF.

 

Journey of the warrior

“So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior. “(Pema Chödrön )

I was depressed and cried throughout the night yesterday.

Yet I am still a warrior.

Yesterday, I could not sleep.

Whenever I tried to close my eyes, self-hatred rushed in.

I usually binge With food or YouTube, to have some unsatisfying sleep.

These numb me to sleep.

But I wanted to not use numbing this time.

So I tried to fall asleep.

But I couldn’t.

Tears fell.

These thoughts came me.

“I am alone.”

“I am unlovable.”

“I am unworthy.”

I just sat through all these lies.

I didn’t numb it with food.

I just woke up.

And now I feel exhausted.

But yesterday’s hot feelings temporarily passed.

I am learning, really learning to sit through my loneliness and despair.