I woke up thinking and feeling hell.
But it’s amazing how I could transition into thinking that “this is a new day”.
I did a Lovingkindness mediation.
Though my mind was not focusing, it did calm me down a bit.
I listened to “Touch the sky” by Hillsong, and it just gave me this wonderful and beautiful feeling (so hard to articulate).
Before, I didn’t know there were such feelings like beautiful and inspiring.
Like always I went to a cafe. I was working on some things my friend asked me to help her with.
Doing things for others actually helps me a lot to focus less on myself and not overthink.
I was still thinking about food most of the time, and didn’t meditate because I wasn’t willing to face the reality of emptiness and raw discomfort.
Woke up several times to eat myself to sleep.
I think i caught a cold and a fever.
It’s never fun being physically sick, but I always forget how hard it is.
That’s why I tend to think “i would rather have a lifetime cold than depression, anxiety, and eating disorder” (which i struggle daily.)
But actually having a cold reminds me how it’s equally hard to be sick whether it is physically or mentally.
Or is it that i got used to mental craziness :??
Meditation challenge day 2:
I was feeling so bloated being in a food coma so I went to bed at 9.
Around 11pm I woke up for some food and then ate myself to sleep.
I woke up again around 4:30am. Went to a vending machine near my house for cold tea and did the meditation.
Surprisingly I went back to sleep and woke up at 9 am.
Surprising but a familiar daily routine.
Waking up in the middle of the night for food.
Couldn’t finish my morning meditation, but had my breakfast.
And I felt that urge so left home and came into a cafe writing this now.
I did some writing at the cafe, and walked back home. Walking is a good refresher. It was raining, but I had my umbrella with me so at least one positive thing to count.
I ended up getting some food and go home.
Took a shower, and meditated. Normally after I shower, I feel uneasy so I stuff myself with food. But today, I did a body scan meditation that allowed me to calm down. However, my mind still wandered.
Will clean my room now. 4:51 pm.
I did a bit of cleaning, and ate.
Took my dog for a walk.
Started headspace app meditation while walking back home.
Couldn’t really stay asleep. Ate to numb the discomfort.
I want really able to do meditation to calm down. Just distracted myself with videos and food.
I couldn’t replaces all binges with meditation, but never gave up.
Coming back home from China, I had a lousy morning and then went to lunch with dad. We had good conversation and a nice time talking about the relatives I saw this China trip.
He drove me to the station and on the way we also talked about life. It’s amazing how much he is capable of, and how mentally tough he is.
Looking for part time jobs..
I was at a cafe, starting to feel bored and my default usually is to get food to numb this negative emotion.
But this time I did my body scan mediation that calmed me down.
I journaled a bit afterwards.
After a while, I sat at another cafe, and boredom and anxiety made me automatically plan my binge. But I did the Lovingkindness meditation.
Before doing it, I thought that it may be too much meditation, as I already did it once today.
But who am I kidding.
I never think about too much binging.
There can never be enough mediation.
This one helped me calm down and it took away that binge temptation.
The key is to do it in the moment.
I came home around 6pm and it was so frustrating how my sister just lied about not entering my room. No matter how many times I tell her to not, she goes into my room to mess with my stuff.
I did the mountain mediation but couldn’t focus. It did calm me down a bit.
I just can’t beat her of her lack of self-discipline. It’s actually my issue that I cannot face this part of her because it resembles the part of me that is so hard to accept.
I had been just eating and eating in my room. I just can’t face the reality.
I did Try the body scan mediation but half way through, I stopped. Because reality keeps popping in my mind. I just want to numb it out.
Instead, I listened to podcasts and YouTube on Glennon Doyle Melton, school of greatness, and Tony Robbins.
Tomorrow will be a greater day.
**You might have realized how much I go to cafes.
A cup of coffee and the atmosphere where you are not alone yet in a public sphere, gives me peace.
I get that I spend a lot of money, but I try to think of it as buying peacefulness.
Being a highly anxious and sensitive person, I often start and finish the day feeling unstable and restless.
And my choice of drug was food.
I use food binge to numb these emotions.
In my recovery, I’ve tried journaling which very effectively allowed honest outlet of thoughts and feelings. Yet, when I am in the moment of anxiety and stress, my go to is still food.
I’ve always heard of meditation being effective for addiction of all kinds. But I would always wander around in my thoughts and had never experienced “moment” of peace through it.
During the summer, I had the chance to focus more on my recovery, and I decided to give meditation a chance.
And it did help me calm down and blur temptations in some cases.
I’ m thus committing to doing meditation for 30 days.
Basically whenever I am feeling anxious.
Before I sleep, when I get home, when I am anxious, and when I wake up.
–These are usually the times I feel anxious, and my default is to turn to food.
What to use:
Body scan, lovingkindness, mountain meditation, and sitting meditation from craving to quit app on my phone. (10min guided mediation).