Not Anymore

My eating disorder used to pat me on the back when I was insecure, walking into a room.

When I was feeling “lesser than” other girls.

By restricting, ED reminded me that I am better than them because I was thin.

But he didn’t really help me inwardly.

I was even more insecure and empty inside.

And I don’t need ED to pat me on the back anymore.
I can.

Why I can’t let go of my mental illness

I struggle with an eating disorder.

But it’s also actually all of the other mental illness mashed up together.

Emotionally, I deal with anxiety and depression daily.

Behaviorally, I am a food addict.

Cognitively, there is a monster in my head constantly telling me lies that I let define my day.

I am obsessive compulsive about what I ate, what to eat, and everything in between.

Socially, I am awkward and anxious all the time, because social events almost always involve food.

I am also very ADHD. I am practically incapable of sitting still.

As silly as it may sound, these things serve as my armor.

I live every day running away from something.

On the surface, it looks like I am running away from binging and pain and hurt and rejection.

But I think it’s myself that I am actually running away from.

That’s why when I don’t have all of these symptoms, i m scared.

Extremely frightened to face myself. And

To let go of the demon.

Do out of joy

I recently watched a video by Marie Forleo.

She was talking about how important to do things from joy and passion, instead of stress.

With my thesis, although I am truly passionate about the topic, it stresses me out a lot. I fear not being able to get it done. Or not perfecting it.

But I want to remember to always work on it out of joy, because I am in control of this part.

Comfort food does not comfort me

How do you relax?

I use food to numb my feelings, and opt out of the pain in life.

But that numbing also makes my life more fake and tiring.

One of my friends asked me one time what I do to relax.

I didn’t have an answer.

Although I have more than enough comfort foods, it doesn’t make me comfortable in the true sense.

And my bingeing has prevented me from enjoying things that may have truly made me relax, like hanging out with friends, reading, and doing yoga.

I am practically incapable of sitting still.

I want to overcome binge eating but

I get angry the minute I wake up every morning.
Most days I wake up feeling bloated from my midnight binging,

and the overflow of shame attached to it.

I end up cancelling lunch and dinner plans with friends because of it.

No matter how hard I try, binging at night is something I can’t stop.
No self-control will do.

(I think) this is because food was the only thing that was always there for me.
Or so I think.

Ever since 10, I binged myself to sleep, and eating was the only time I felt “safe”.
The world was always a place of fear, and food was my armor.
But the problem was that I couldn’t stop.

I never developed the emotional competency to withstand any emotions because I used food to numb it all–the good, the bad, and everything in between.

I learned that just because you go through hard life experiences does not automatically make you strong.
That you need to actually proactively deal with it; and I was doing the opposite, by numbing.

I’ve tried to accept myself for who I am, but to be honest, I don’t really know how that feels like.