It’s so hard being an introvert wanting to be social.

Today I met up with a friend that I had not seen for a while.

It was actually my first time this month getting together with anyone besides my family.
This summer had been a time where I took time off from socializing.
I decided to spend quality time with my family and myself, having been so exhausted and burnout the past semester as I tried to be social.

Being an introvert at heart, it was extremely stressful and tiring being social the past semester.
Being with a big group of people really takes a toll on me, but I committed myself to put myself out there, because I wanted friends, and I knew that I had to change for it to happen.

Although I did find a group of people I felt comfortable with, I got socially (and academically) burnout–mentally and physically.

The problem was that I didn’t have a satisfying relationship with myself; I couldn’t accept myself unconditionally.

I felt that being social was another way I measured my worth.
My self esteem depended on how many times I was going out, or how much time I was spending time with other people.
It got to the point where I got so restless and anxious when I felt other people were more social on social media..

This happened today too, but in real life.

I was with this friend, who kept talking about her “this friend” and her “that friend”.

I know that I shouldn’t get affected by it, and that she is just a genuine person enjoying time with her friends, genuinely sharing it with me.

But I think I got jealous.
Especially because I was taking a break from people, trying to focus on myself.
I was not social. At all. And the truth hurts me when I see someone with many friends.

I know that this is just a neutral circumstance and that I have control of how react.
But emotions are just emotions.
When you feel yuck, it just feels bad.

I was aware of my urge to binge to numb this feeling.
But instead, i m writing this post.

I m grateful for this blog because I can write about my feelings here instead of bottling it all in.

And it would also be nice to hear any advices on what I should do to feel better or at least become a better person.


Dealing with people who hurt you

There were people in my life who have failed me and hurt me.
From people close to me who unintentionally and intentionally hurt me, to the bullying that happened in school, to the random strangers who threw me disgusting words on the street.

But the love from people who sincerely cared for me, makes all that hurt matter less.
My parents who sacrificially loves me all the way. My mom who quit her dream job to support my eating disorder recovery, and my dad who is always there for me.
My friends who ran to me when I was having an anxiety attack at school.

Rather than ruminating on the hurt, I try to think of these loving people in my life.
And think how I can purposefully use my experience to help people who are hurt like I was.
It’s hard but it’s more productive than the other way around.