Today I met up with a friend that I had not seen for a while.
It was actually my first time this month getting together with anyone besides my family.
This summer had been a time where I took time off from socializing.
I decided to spend quality time with my family and myself, having been so exhausted and burnout the past semester as I tried to be social.
Being an introvert at heart, it was extremely stressful and tiring being social the past semester.
Being with a big group of people really takes a toll on me, but I committed myself to put myself out there, because I wanted friends, and I knew that I had to change for it to happen.
Although I did find a group of people I felt comfortable with, I got socially (and academically) burnout–mentally and physically.
The problem was that I didn’t have a satisfying relationship with myself; I couldn’t accept myself unconditionally.
I felt that being social was another way I measured my worth.
My self esteem depended on how many times I was going out, or how much time I was spending time with other people.
It got to the point where I got so restless and anxious when I felt other people were more social on social media..
This happened today too, but in real life.
I was with this friend, who kept talking about her “this friend” and her “that friend”.
I know that I shouldn’t get affected by it, and that she is just a genuine person enjoying time with her friends, genuinely sharing it with me.
But I think I got jealous.
Especially because I was taking a break from people, trying to focus on myself.
I was not social. At all. And the truth hurts me when I see someone with many friends.
I know that this is just a neutral circumstance and that I have control of how react.
But emotions are just emotions.
When you feel yuck, it just feels bad.
I was aware of my urge to binge to numb this feeling.
But instead, i m writing this post.
I m grateful for this blog because I can write about my feelings here instead of bottling it all in.
And it would also be nice to hear any advices on what I should do to feel better or at least become a better person.