Journey of the warrior

“So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior. “(Pema Chödrön )

I was depressed and cried throughout the night yesterday.

Yet I am still a warrior.

Yesterday, I could not sleep.

Whenever I tried to close my eyes, self-hatred rushed in.

I usually binge With food or YouTube, to have some unsatisfying sleep.

These numb me to sleep.

But I wanted to not use numbing this time.

So I tried to fall asleep.

But I couldn’t.

Tears fell.

These thoughts came me.

“I am alone.”

“I am unlovable.”

“I am unworthy.”

I just sat through all these lies.

I didn’t numb it with food.

I just woke up.

And now I feel exhausted.

But yesterday’s hot feelings temporarily passed.

I am learning, really learning to sit through my loneliness and despair.

 

We fear how great we are

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”
–marianne williamson

I never understood this quote.
Until recently.

I feel this quote in these situations.
1. When I don’t binge

When I am not controlled by food and food-related anxieties, I realize that I have so much time and energy.
That I am so much more “available” to the present.
This is also when I realized how much time and energy and possibility I have wasted by running away from life with food.
I realize how much I would be capable of, if I wasn’t lost to eating disorder.

2. When I don’t runaway from social situations

I am generally very awkward around a group of people.
And often, I avoid social situations or leave in the middle of events.
But in those rare times I persisted until the end, it is often the case that I am able to have better fellowship with the people there.
This is when it dawns on me how much I probably missed out on.
But also how much I would have been capable of socializing.
I see a glimpse of how much potential i may have, that scares the world out of me.
Because in my mind, i subconsciously thought that I am bad at socializing, period.
So when this appears to not be true, I realized how much potential I wasted.

3. When I am happy (or not depressed)

In those moments when I am not feeling down, I see how much I am able to accomplish–academically, socially, and everything in between.

And this just scares me.

It’s not that I am not scared of my inadequacy. I am, to a great degree.
But it’s probably not that simple.
I am also frightened how much possibility there is. And how much of that I am wasting every day.

Comfort food does not comfort me

How do you relax?

I use food to numb my feelings, and opt out of the pain in life.

But that numbing also makes my life more fake and tiring.

One of my friends asked me one time what I do to relax.

I didn’t have an answer.

Although I have more than enough comfort foods, it doesn’t make me comfortable in the true sense.

And my bingeing has prevented me from enjoying things that may have truly made me relax, like hanging out with friends, reading, and doing yoga.

I am practically incapable of sitting still.

When do you cry?

I often blame my loving mom for things that have nothing to do with her.

Things like feeling socially rejected at school, for how I feel about my appearances, for my anxiety, for my depression, and for my eating disorder.

Recently, I was feeling so frustrated and isolated and pathetic.
But I couldn’t come up with a reason to blame her. (Or the world)

I felt powerless.
And hopeless.

And I felt tears coming down.

Will I ever recover? Or be happy?

I felt like this was not an emotional cry.
It was tears that happened as a result of actually thinking.
And, because this thinking led to the conclusion that there may be no way out.

Alternative to “how am I feeling?”

One question that I have a hard time answering is the “how are you” question.

I feel like the only option is to answer
“I fine”

But “I’m fine” is a total lie.
Other than some rare occasions, I m actually not fine.
I m bloated, I m nervous, I m dejected, I m tired, and I m completely the opposite of being fine.

But all that truth stay within me while I make a smile and say “I m fine”.

Because for someone dealing with addiction, this “how are you?” question brings me back to reality.
It reminds me of my midnight binges, and the discomfort I m feeling now.
It reminds me that I don’t have a life.
Or that I am depressed. Or anxious.
I feel ashamed to say anything other than “I m fine.”

Recently, I found out that I actually ask this question to myself too.

I repeat this “how am I feeling” inside my head.
And my brain gives me either
“I don’t feel good” or “I feel good”.
When I don’t feel good, I binge to numb that.

It’s like a question my brain asks to avoid (possible) pain.

But the thing is that when I ask myself “how am I feeling”, it’s either “good” or “bad”.
I don’t really know what that good or bad actually is.

So I tried to ask myself
“what am I feeling” instead.

Mostly I couldn’t come up with a specific answer.
I realized that my brain is not reliable.

Even when I m feeling “not good”, I couldn’t come up with a specific bad emotion.

This was somewhat soothing for me, as I learned that I actually don’t have anything to be afraid of, or feel bad about.

My brain might just have made a mistake thinking it was bad.

Other times when I ask myself “what am I feeling”, I can come up with stuff like
Tired, sad, thankful, excited.

When I actually identify specific emotions, I feel less scared of my emotions.

While I can start asking myself “what am I feeling” instead of “how am I feeling”,

I m not sure if I can switch to “what are you feeling” to other people.

It just sounds too invasive..

I want to overcome binge eating but

I get angry the minute I wake up every morning.
Most days I wake up feeling bloated from my midnight binging,

and the overflow of shame attached to it.

I end up cancelling lunch and dinner plans with friends because of it.

No matter how hard I try, binging at night is something I can’t stop.
No self-control will do.

(I think) this is because food was the only thing that was always there for me.
Or so I think.

Ever since 10, I binged myself to sleep, and eating was the only time I felt “safe”.
The world was always a place of fear, and food was my armor.
But the problem was that I couldn’t stop.

I never developed the emotional competency to withstand any emotions because I used food to numb it all–the good, the bad, and everything in between.

I learned that just because you go through hard life experiences does not automatically make you strong.
That you need to actually proactively deal with it; and I was doing the opposite, by numbing.

I’ve tried to accept myself for who I am, but to be honest, I don’t really know how that feels like.

It’s so hard being an introvert wanting to be social.

Today I met up with a friend that I had not seen for a while.

It was actually my first time this month getting together with anyone besides my family.
This summer had been a time where I took time off from socializing.
I decided to spend quality time with my family and myself, having been so exhausted and burnout the past semester as I tried to be social.

Being an introvert at heart, it was extremely stressful and tiring being social the past semester.
Being with a big group of people really takes a toll on me, but I committed myself to put myself out there, because I wanted friends, and I knew that I had to change for it to happen.

Although I did find a group of people I felt comfortable with, I got socially (and academically) burnout–mentally and physically.

The problem was that I didn’t have a satisfying relationship with myself; I couldn’t accept myself unconditionally.
So,

I felt that being social was another way I measured my worth.
My self esteem depended on how many times I was going out, or how much time I was spending time with other people.
It got to the point where I got so restless and anxious when I felt other people were more social on social media..
FOMO??

This happened today too, but in real life.

I was with this friend, who kept talking about her “this friend” and her “that friend”.

I know that I shouldn’t get affected by it, and that she is just a genuine person enjoying time with her friends, genuinely sharing it with me.

But I think I got jealous.
Especially because I was taking a break from people, trying to focus on myself.
I was not social. At all. And the truth hurts me when I see someone with many friends.

I know that this is just a neutral circumstance and that I have control of how react.
But emotions are just emotions.
When you feel yuck, it just feels bad.

I was aware of my urge to binge to numb this feeling.
But instead, i m writing this post.

I m grateful for this blog because I can write about my feelings here instead of bottling it all in.

And it would also be nice to hear any advices on what I should do to feel better or at least become a better person.

Day 3: 30 day Meditation challenge

Day 3:

I woke up thinking and feeling hell.
But it’s amazing how I could transition into thinking that “this is a new day”.
I did a Lovingkindness mediation.
Though my mind was not focusing, it did calm me down a bit.

I listened to “Touch the sky” by Hillsong, and it just gave me this wonderful and beautiful feeling (so hard to articulate).
Before, I didn’t know there were such feelings like beautiful and inspiring.

Like always I went to a cafe. I was working on some things my friend asked me to help her with.
Doing things for others actually helps me a lot to focus less on myself and not overthink.

I was still thinking about food most of the time, and didn’t meditate because I wasn’t willing to face the reality of emptiness and raw discomfort.

Woke up several times to eat myself to sleep.

I think i caught a cold and a fever.
It’s never fun being physically sick, but I always forget how hard it is.
That’s why I tend to think “i would rather have a lifetime cold than depression, anxiety, and eating disorder” (which i struggle daily.)

But actually having a cold reminds me how it’s equally hard to be sick whether it is physically or mentally.
Or is it that i got used to mental craziness :??

Day 2: 30 day Mediation challenge

Meditation challenge day 2:

Yesterday night:
I was feeling so bloated being in a food coma so I went to bed at 9.
Around 11pm I woke up for some food and then ate myself to sleep.

I woke up again around 4:30am. Went to a vending machine near my house for cold tea and did the meditation.
Surprisingly I went back to sleep and woke up at 9 am.
Surprising but a familiar daily routine.
Waking up in the middle of the night for food.

Woke up,
Couldn’t finish my morning meditation, but had my breakfast.
And I felt that urge so left home and came into a cafe writing this now.

I did some writing at the cafe, and walked back home. Walking is a good refresher. It was raining, but I had my umbrella with me so at least one positive thing to count.
I ended up getting some food and go home.
Took a shower, and meditated. Normally after I shower, I feel uneasy so I stuff myself with food. But today, I did a body scan meditation that allowed me to calm down. However, my mind still wandered.
Will clean my room now. 4:51 pm.

I did a bit of cleaning, and ate.
Took my dog for a walk.

And ate.

Started headspace app meditation while walking back home.

Couldn’t really stay asleep. Ate to numb the discomfort.
I want really able to do meditation to calm down. Just distracted myself with videos and food.

I couldn’t replaces all binges with meditation, but never gave up.

Day 1: 30 day meditation challenge

Day 1–9/10/2016

Coming back home from China, I had a lousy morning and then went to lunch with dad. We had good conversation and a nice time talking about the relatives I saw this China trip.
He drove me to the station and on the way we also talked about life. It’s amazing how much he is capable of, and how mentally tough he is.

Around 1pm
Looking for part time jobs..
I was at a cafe, starting to feel bored and my default usually is to get food to numb this negative emotion.
But this time I did my body scan mediation that calmed me down.
I journaled a bit afterwards.

Around 5pm
After a while, I sat at another cafe, and boredom and anxiety made me automatically plan my binge. But I did the Lovingkindness meditation.
Before doing it, I thought that it may be too much meditation, as I already did it once today.
But who am I kidding.
I never think about too much binging.
There can never be enough mediation.

This one helped me calm down and it took away that binge temptation.
The key is to do it in the moment.

I came home around 6pm and it was so frustrating how my sister just lied about not entering my room. No matter how many times I tell her to not, she goes into my room to mess with my stuff.
I did the mountain mediation but couldn’t focus. It did calm me down a bit.
I just can’t beat her of her lack of self-discipline. It’s actually my issue that I cannot face this part of her because it resembles the part of me that is so hard to accept.

Around 8:30pm
I had been just eating and eating in my room. I just can’t face the reality.
I did Try the body scan mediation but half way through, I stopped. Because reality keeps popping in my mind. I just want to numb it out.
Instead, I listened to podcasts and YouTube on Glennon Doyle Melton, school of greatness, and Tony Robbins.

Tomorrow will be a greater day.

**You might have realized how much I go to cafes.
A cup of coffee and the atmosphere where you are not alone yet in a public sphere, gives me peace.
I get that I spend a lot of money, but I try to think of it as buying peacefulness.