We fear how great we are

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”
–marianne williamson

I never understood this quote.
Until recently.

I feel this quote in these situations.
1. When I don’t binge

When I am not controlled by food and food-related anxieties, I realize that I have so much time and energy.
That I am so much more “available” to the present.
This is also when I realized how much time and energy and possibility I have wasted by running away from life with food.
I realize how much I would be capable of, if I wasn’t lost to eating disorder.

2. When I don’t runaway from social situations

I am generally very awkward around a group of people.
And often, I avoid social situations or leave in the middle of events.
But in those rare times I persisted until the end, it is often the case that I am able to have better fellowship with the people there.
This is when it dawns on me how much I probably missed out on.
But also how much I would have been capable of socializing.
I see a glimpse of how much potential i may have, that scares the world out of me.
Because in my mind, i subconsciously thought that I am bad at socializing, period.
So when this appears to not be true, I realized how much potential I wasted.

3. When I am happy (or not depressed)

In those moments when I am not feeling down, I see how much I am able to accomplish–academically, socially, and everything in between.

And this just scares me.

It’s not that I am not scared of my inadequacy. I am, to a great degree.
But it’s probably not that simple.
I am also frightened how much possibility there is. And how much of that I am wasting every day.